The writers of this manual, "Undertaken With Love: A Home Funeral Guide for Congregations and Communities,” have convictions, to be sure; they appear to have all the answers for the do-it-yourself funeral people—I mean ALL the answers—but we need to seriously and soberly examine the suggestions and convictions that these writers make which are in truth unfair, dangerous, and yes, even stupid. This is found in the chapter “With Our Own Hands,” the chapter which gets into the nitty gritty of actually caring for and treating a corpse.

This is not intended to be an article on embalming theory, but even people in our profession who are not embalmers will quickly see the truly unfortunate fallacy of just the following points these authors offer as wise and careful ways to care for a dead human body. There are many more, but I have selected the following quotes:

·         Page 21: “Unlike a living person the dead do not cough, spit, breathe or sweat.”

·         Page 21: “In the case of transmittable disease simply take the same precautions that were used in life such as the use of medical gloves.”

·         Page 21: “It is usually easier to care for the body soon after death before rigor mortis has set in.”

·         Page 21: “Remove medical items, supplies and as much clutter as you can to make the space feel serene.”

·         Page 21: “Transporting the body of an adult usually requires six people.”

·         Page 22: “Go through a trial run with the empty coffin.”

·         Page 22: “Before bathing, place a folded towel or disposable plastic pad under the hips and bottom, and slowly apply firm pressure just above the pubic bone to remove any urine from the bladder or bowel content.”

·         Page 23: “Mouthwash can been used as an antiseptic rinse to reduce odor.”

·         Page 23: “….you can wash the genital area.  If you are not comfortable doing this, an alternative method is to draw a washrag or towel back and forth between the legs a few times.”

·         Page 23: “If there are open or unsightly sores or wounds cover them with gauze pads and seal in place with waterproof medical tape.”

·         Page 23: “…….Although bodily discharge is not usually a problem … If you are seriously concerned you may place cotton in the rectum to make sure any leakage is contained.”

·         Page 24: “Apply makeup and nail polish if desired.”

OK I can see 99 percent of the funeral profession reading this with stunned and horrified looks on their faces, but this is what the writers seriously are suggesting—they are serious. Let’s explore their naiveté a little further, because I have left the best for last.

What is wrong here? Simply stated, the writers seem to actually have no knowledge about the mode of death, or in other words how people die. They have successfully created the illusion that most everybody dies at home, in a clean bed, no fecal material, no odors, no mess, no blood, no nothing except all kinds of family and friends around, who are members of a do-it-yourself funeral committee and on top of all that who are willing and able, competent and knowledgeable to do the following:

1. Remember to wear a mask when and if the corpse exhales on them upon movement. Corpses do exhale and inhale.

2. Have quick access to Personal Protective Envelope uniform.

3. Have a working knowledge of the chemistry of rigor mortis knowing full well you cannot assign time limits to the condition, and also know the impact of livor mortis and algor mortis, which the writers never mention once.

4. Know how to handle and dispose of medical wastes, blood-borne pathogens and hazardous waste products—in accordance with federal law, do-in-yourself corpse care or not.

5. Locate six people to move the remains at a variety of times and places in the middle of the work week.

6. Deal with urine and fecal material—and a lot of it at times.

7. Understand that mouthwash is not a post mortem disinfectant—gargling when you are alive is much different that disinfecting when you are dead.

8. That it is high risk method and possibly just nasty to run a towel under the genitals as the method of cleaning this high risk area.

9. Understand that a roll of gauze from CVS will not do anything to correct the odor and cause and sight of most bed scores. It will take much more that a roll of gauze and a jar of Vapor Rub.

10. Understand and fully appreciate that the term “discharge” is a candy-coated term which really means purge, which is most often … well, do-it-yourself corpse care writers, you just wait and see.

11. Ladies' cosmetics rarely are useful in the instances of post mortem stain, which is a real possibility without arterial embalming.

Now for the kicker. After all this information, after all “do this” and “do that,” after one suggestion after another as to how absolutely easy and carefree taking care of and treating a corpse is, finally at the end of this “With Our Own Hands” chapter the writers enter into the world of corpse-care hardball.

They cover the following subjects in only four paragraph: massive trauma or burns, autopsied bodies, sever obesity, infections (they focus in on septicemia and ignore AIDS, active tuberculosis and hepatitis), and tissue gas. It is with tissue gas they finally give up the ghost. The writers say: “Once started (tissue gas) there is no way to prevent the spread of the bacteria other than the use of embalming chemicals. If it is important for the family to continue with their home funeral plans, then a funeral director should be called upon immediately to embalm.” Finally concerning the removal of pace-makers so the do-it-yourselfers won’t accidentally out of ignorance blow up the crematory the funeral reform writers end with this: “Consult a licensed funeral director.”

These good folks, the do-it-yourself funeral people, have the right to do what they want, call who they want, and have any kind of meaningful experience that they want. I believe that with every fiber in my being. I believe that home funerals are good, valuable and we ought to seriously explore returning to those activities (see my post of 12/16/09).

Unfortunately the information these writers present concerning the actual care and treatment of an unembalmed dead body is just foolish. Frankly an unembalmed body is in reality a ticking time bomb, and when body fluids start escaping from the body in front of friends and family I doubt very much whether all the poetry readings, song singing and modern art will do much to lessen the absolute horror that lay people encounter this. It freaks them out when such distasteful things happen to a corpse, and happen they do.

So the writers go through one procedure after another to teach people to take care of a dead human body and in so doing how to avoid us, the funeral directors, and then in the end when there is big trouble, big issues, big problems—which most corpses can create in a second of time, their suggestion is to call the funeral director immediately. Personally, this seems unfair, condescending and insulting.

Let’s turn the tables for a minute. I was at a do-it-yourself funeral seminar once many years ago, and the usual witch hunt on the undertakers took off in full swing. The group naively went through the same old stuff about how easy it is to take care of a corpse. No problem. Purge? What’s purge? They went through once again all the mistaken funeral history, they went through Jessica Mitford line by line, and in the end the group was contented that they knew everything about what to do when somebody died. However even in this seminar, the old pesky issues of obesity, tissue case, murder, suicide, children deaths, accidents, war casualties, all the truth concerning caring for the dead came up and their universal conclusion was that, “Yes, I guess we have to admit (with a long lamentable condescending sigh) that in these rare instances we will just have to suck it up and call the undertaker—but be careful of them.”

As I sat and heard this, it hurt my soul to its depths, and for once my feelings were so damaged that I did not say one word and privately I thought of the utter cruelty and insensitivity of such a remark, and the group seem totally oblivious that they had damaged my feelings. I have the capacity and God given calling to be an experienced and trained caregiver to the dead, which for them made me look extremely odd and weird. For once I shut up. I hate being muzzled, but I just gave up and I walked out of the meeting room.

However later that very evening I did have one wicked fantasy. I thought about one particular person at this seminar who so smugly brushed me off, who treated me like a beggar, and who told me straight out her opinion of undertakers. Of course looking back, it was easy for her to do because nobody was dead, let alone dead of some cause and manner of death other than dying peacefully in bed. I imagined in my mind the funeral home phone ringing and this one snooty woman saying to me, “Todd our son just shot himself in our basement, come quick.” For a fleeting second in my pain and hurt I imagined I would respond with this angry, hurtful comment: “You want to do-it-yourself—that’s what you said this afternoon when you made me feel like a leper. Tell you what, snooty lady, just open up the basement windows to get some air then shut the basement door, and you know what, you keep your damned cadaver.” It is truly what I thought. It that not horrible? But I was so upset that is what I fantasized.

However it was only a fantasy, only my hurt and pain speaking, for out of my love for funeral service and desire to be helpful to others, if anybody called, even the self proclaimed anti-funeral people, and said, “Todd, our son just shot himself in our basement, come quick!” My instance response, like every other funeral director in the world, would be, “I am on my way.” That is the strength of funeral service.

I believe so much in home funerals, but a layperson taking care of a corpse after death … well, that stretches my understanding to its limits, because a 40-page manual (that is how long the manual is from cover to cover) that devotes only 4 pages to the careful care of the actual dead body, misses the target by such a distance that such well intended efforts by the funeral reformists end up being ridiculous. They haven’t a clue what they are talking about.

Heavens to Betsy, Robert Mayer’s “Textbook on Embalming” which really and truly in great depth and expertise covers the care of the dead, is 683 pages long! And even that monumental academic and professional effort cannot cover and does not address all the myriad possibilities that can happen concerning a dead human body. If somebody who has read the 683 page textbook and actually understands the information can explain the information and has passed numerous examinations on the subject and prepared hundreds of dead human being gets stumped at times with certain cases, what possible sense does it make to turn any of this important work over to self-proclaimed “layers-out of the dead,” do-it-yourselfers who write a measly 6 pages and specifically only four paragraphs  concerning the safe and insightful and care of a dead human body?

Giving a layperson, a do-it-youselfer, a piece of gauze and some waterproof tape to take care of a bed sore makes as much sense as giving 5 year old child cooking utensils and telling them to make a five course meal. The meal is probably is not going to work out, even in light of good efforts and intentions.

It is the risk taken in turning important activities over to neophytes.

I ordered and just finished reading the publications “Undertaken With Love: A Home Funeral Guide for Congregations and Communities,” written by a seemingly nice group of people – Donna Belk, Margalo Eden, Gere B. Fulton, Wendy Lynons, Joyce Mitchell, Holly Stevens. This manual was accidentally brought to my attention several weeks ago when I stumbled upon an article by self-appointed “funeral expert” Holly Stevens. (I had never heard of her in my life.)

Once again I am stumped at what these self-appointed funeral reformers are trying to accomplish. This do-it-yourself funeral manual, like all the rest, starts out with the funeral horror story, and usually it is one distressing incident that the funeral reformers band together around and create a mutual exaggerated mission that funeral directors need to be muzzled and funeral homes need to be—well, they ought not to make too much money, that’s for sure!

For over one half century the anti funeral reformers battle cries have always been the same, money, funeral directors are crooks and in reality you really don’t need a funeral director/embalmer.

The high expectations that their beloved Federal Trade Commission Rule would finally accomplish the moral self-appointed task of muzzling undertakers, and making sure the undertaker and his/her family did not make a living did not work, in fact the Funeral Rule accomplished just the opposite by driving the costs of a funeral higher and hence neutralizing the funeral reformers main goal.

Now what should we do, the anti-funeral people, licking their wounds and feeling sorry for themselves asked? If a federal rule backfired on us in a major way what should we do? So once again they regrouped (remember Nietzsche – a mutual object of hate is a powerful motivator for people to band together) and came up with a highly original idea: “Let’s teach people how to do their own funerals—the do-it-yourself funeral program.

Yes, the do-it yourself funeral program—it is fun and easy, and costs hardly anything and you don’t need that pesky undertaker running around.

To this end, the ever present Lisa Carlson (who is a terribly bright person) wrote the blockbuster book “Caring for Your Own Dead” in I believe 1987, published by Upper Access Publishers, in Hinesburg, Vermont.  Even the goddess of death Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross proclaimed in her quote on the cover of the book, “I love the idea.” What an endorsement!

Of course even with her endorsement we all knew even in the late 1980s that Dr. Kubler-Ross was not herself, and even my mentor, professor and friend Rev. Dr. Edgar N. Jackson, who knew and worked with Kubler-Ross told me straight out in a conversation during this period, “I worry about Elisabeth.” However an endorsement is an endorsement and it is still high risk behavior to say anything remotely uncomplimentary to Dr. Kubler-Ross, so I will leave that one alone.

I have all the editions of Carlson’s book in my library and I have to confess that the work she did of ferreting out all the myriad state laws concerning disposition of the dead is extremely impressive and I use her book as a quick reference tool constantly. Thank you, Lisa, job well done—better you waded through the swamp of state laws than I.

So there we are. For a little over twenty years the doing-it-yourself funeral idea has been roaming around looking for a home.

Now another attempt by the self-appointed funeral reformers has been made.

The manual I just finished reading is simply paper with the same old information that Ms. Carlson put together years ago with some nice additional art work, which I thought were excellent examples of modern art.

The table of contents is predictable. Titles like “At Life’s End,” “Then and Now,” “Finding the Law,” “With Our Own Hands,” “Setting Out Together,” and finally “Down This Path.” The manual ends with online resources. The titles basically reflect the contents of the chapters. For instance the one called “At Life’s End” covers the dos and don’ts when someone dies at home. The chapter “Finding the Law” is self-explanatory—in  other words the writers warn that the do-it-yourselfers should find out the law so no one gets in trouble with the sheriff and/or the state.

Peppered throughout the chapters are readings, verses, group and individual assignments which really reminded me of the lovely Quaker Meetings that I have attended in my life. Beautiful sentiments, kindness, love and gentleness abounding with open arms and open hands. I love that kind of sentimental prose and poetry and want to thank the writers for including such beautiful thoughts—Good Stuff.

Naturally a few of the contributors appear innocently to be self-proclaimed funeral historians and attempt to cover the segment of funeral service history, embalming, undertaking during the time period of the American Civil War. Trust me folks, these obviously really nice people have not got a clue concerning that particular period in funeral service history, not a clue.

The writers also strongly suggest that the do-it-yourself funeral disciples read the Funeral Rule of the Federal Trade Commission and understand it. Yeh, sure, my 85 year old mother in Iowa is going to study and understand the General Price List? Yeh, sure! Also these writers say the FTC rule does not apply to home funerals. Possibly they are right, possibly not—this issue has not really been tested, but I suspect if the do-it-yourself funeral movements gets a real foothold, the FTC will have something to say as they have something to say about everything, and they probably will not be saying “no regulations for you, do-it-yourself funeral people.”

Now to be fair, we all know that in only a few states is the involvement of the funeral home required. Of course the liberating fact of all this is that funeral homes and undertakers were involved with community deaths long before any laws were enacted, let alone enforced. Funeral service IS NOT dependent on laws, funeral service is dependent on relationship-building in communities.

Clearly the writers are people of convictions, and for the layperson reading this manual, the unfortunate danger lurks in the distinct possibility that these funeral reformist might just be mistakenly perceived by, say my 85 year old mother, as knowing what they are talking about. However, I have seen convictions, firmly held life-long convictions, simply evaporate in the face of a life crisis, such as the death of a significant person. If funeral directors deal with anything, it is crisis after crisis.

Here is an example of firmly held convictions vanishing in the midst of trauma which involved the services and presence of funeral directors. There was a time when funeral homes operated the emergency ambulance service, and here is the case study.

A man in Omaha was cutting a limb off a tree and he was sitting on the end of the limb that he was trying to cut off. In short order the branch broke and down he went and when he hit the ground he suffered a compound fracture to his left femur. A neighbor saw him fall and called the Omaha Police Department and called our funeral home for the ambulance. When we arrived this man was howling with pain.

A crowd had gathered and in the midst of this drama a woman came running out of the next house screaming that we should not touch him, nor help him, they did not need us, in fact she told us to go home. She explained that the man was a member of a religion that denied medical treatments under all conditions, and that all we needed to do was to assist this gentleman into his house—they would take it from there. She was clear that the funeral home ambulance was not needed.

Folks, this man’s femur was sticking out of his leg and the police and we were trying to move this man up his front steps, through his front door and lay him on his sofa.  He screamed bloody murder throughout the entire ordeal, and I was psychologically frazzled and started thinking that I ought to have become a fireman instead of a funeral home ambulance man.

My boss and I got back in the ambulance, and as we drove down the street my boss looked over at me and smiled and said, “You know Todd, don’t feel too bad, I will bet you by the time we get back to the funeral home this poor chap will have had a significant religious conversion.” I had no idea what he was talking about.

However when we pulled into the funeral home parking lot the secretary came running out saying that we were needed to return to this man’s house immediately and take him ASAP to the university hospital. The man with his femur sticking out of his body had converted from his firmly held conviction and decided he did need the services of the ambulance. So much for firm convictions in the light of drama and trauma. I never knew if the man lost his leg, but if the poor chap had held rock solid on his convictions, losing his leg would have been a real possibility.

Next: Good intentions aren’t enough when faced with a dead body