The phrase “in lieu of flowers” or the more direct sentiment “please omit flowers” has been a part of obituary notices for well over 100 years. Around 1900, the more formal “in lieu of flowers” was common, although the more direct phrase where the word “omit” was used was gaining popularity. Certainly, “omit” is a stronger directive, and readers were told to make memorial contributions instead.

Statistics prove to us that the use of these phrases has been on the rise for the past century. In 1927, only 6% of the obituaries included the directive, with only 2.2% of those mentioned charitable contributions as an alternative. By the middle of the century, the numbers of obituaries using either “in lieu of flowers” or “please omit flowers” had grown to 14.5%, with over 54% of those noting a charitable contribution as the preferred method of expressing sympathy.

An online review of obituaries from 1921 leads one to realize the value of floral tributes was acknowledged by many – so much so that they listed them in the obituary text. Consider this list, from the March 2nd, 1921 Pennsylvania newspaper publication for Margaret Cassidy. The obituary notes that she was mother to four sets of twins, and proceeded to list her survivors as we do today.

However, the second paragraph provided details on the funeral service itself; noting the names of the Catholic priests in attendance, and those of the pallbearers. Finally, there’s a list of all the types of floral tributes received:

“The tributes follow: Vacant chair, daughter Eva; pillow, son Louis and family; Galax wreath, Lillie Wilson; daffodils, Josephine Palm; hyacinths, grandchildren; wreath, daughter Mamie; narcissus, Mrs. Strangler and Mrs. Hayes; daffodils, Smith family; lilies, friend: basket of carnations, friend May; daffodils, Mr. and Mrs. Charles Lenich and daughters Annie and Elizabeth; carnations, Mrs. Vath; blanket, Eva and Louis; Basket of carnations, Louis, Eva and Katie; carnations, Mabel McCloskey; basket of sweet peas, Mrs. Cavanaugh and Mrs. Haggerty; carnations, Mr. and Mrs. Eugene Cassidy; lilies, sister Annie and Niece; flowers, Samuel Henry.”

Nowhere in the body of that obituary was there a mention of an option to make a donation in lieu of flowers; certainly this reflects the socio-cultural importance of sympathy and tribute flowers in the early years of the 20th century. While their importance has not lessened some 90 years later – they are, after all, beautiful, and a comfort to the bereaved –the call for memorial donations has become firmly entrenched in American death rites and rituals.

In a review of published obituaries today, the phrase” in lieu of flowers is visible well over 87% of the time – but those statistics vary demographically. All one needs to do is review the obituary notices in their local paper to see that most of these include a directive to make a memorial contribution “in lieu of flowers.”

The sociological implications of this rise in the use of ‘please omit flowers’ or the less direct in lieu of flowers, are obvious. While the charities listed benefit financially, the decline in revenue felt by florists across the nation is causing many florists to struggle or go out of business altogether.

What’s more important, however, are the psycho-social ramifications of omitting flowers from a funeral or memorial service. Families always appreciate the kindnesses of others during the difficult time after the death of a loved one – and receiving a floral expression of sympathy offers them beauty and comfort. Consider the words of Ralph Waldo Emerson, “Flowers... are a proud assertion that a ray of beauty out values all the utilities of the world.”

To preserve tradition, offer comfort and a visual respite from the grayness of grieving, floral tributes ‘in lieu of donations’ are invaluable. To promote the continuity of this age-old means of honoring the deceased and expressing sympathy, there are phrases which do not dissuade the reader from sending a sympathy bouquet or floral tribute. Consider these alternatives:

• The family suggests memorial contributions be sent to....
• Should friends desire, contributions may be sent to....
• Memorials may be made to the charity of your choice.
• The_____Memorial has been established for those wishing to contribute.
• As an expression of sympathy, memorial contributions may be sent to....
• The family has designated the____for memorial contributions.
• Remembrances may be made in the form desired by friends.
• Memorial contributions may be made to....

Making a personal decision concerning this issue can be challenging. It is often based on how well the reader knew the deceased or his family. In wider circles, a sympathy note may be best; but as the familiarity increases, when the deceased was someone you saw every day or every week, at work or socially, the level of personal commitment grows. In such cases, a sympathy bouquet delivered to the funeral home or the memorial service can speak eloquently, and convey the depth of sorrow felt by the sender.

This decision is tempered by the recognition that the grieving family may never learn of a donation made in honor of their loved one. Charitable institutions may or may not provide them with a list of donors; and even when they do, someone’s donation may be omitted accidentally. When an acknowledgment is sent it usually takes weeks to arrive, which means that there is no direct expression of sympathy at the time when it’s needed most.

Resources

A Centennial History of the AMERICAN FLORIST, a publication of Florists’ Review Enterprises, Inc., Frances Porterfield Dudley, Publisher, 1997.

http://distantcousin.com/obits/pa/1900/1921/mar/02.html

Casual in-house research, 2009

http://www.umass.edu/umext/jgerber/emerson.htm

http://www.inlieuofflowers.info/index.php?s=3

http://www.inlieuofflowers.info/index.php?s=23&p=1